I love food. Food is good. And, if you’re like me, when I eat something delicious, I want to know the recipe so I can perhaps replicate it for a future meal. But, I’ll need to find out the ingredients and cooking instructions if I’m going to have any success in the process.

It’s the same with a happily married couple. We may wonder how they are able to stay that way after all these years. What are the ingredients? How do they do that? It makes sense to find out what these couples are doing on a regular basis and begin to incorporate some of those behaviors into our relationship.

This is what we know: various studies have shown us there are certain behaviors couples consistently engage in that result in a more satisfying relationship. These are some of those behaviors:

1. They “cuddle.”

Alright, men. Stop with the eye-rolling. By “cuddle” I mean these couples connect physically in a non-sexual way. In other words, hand-holding, hugging, caressing, kissing, sitting close, etc. Research tells us that connecting in this way enhances closeness.

2. They play together.

These couples have fun together. They pursue activities they enjoy. Maybe it’s going to the movies, out to dinner, horseback riding, the zoo, shopping, sky diving...whatever. The point is, they don’t spend their evenings and weekends on the couch.

3. They compliment each other.

Yes they do...and quite frequently. And, it’s a genuine and specific compliment...something more than, “You look nice.” No, it’s bigger and better than that, “Wow, you look amazing in that dress!” or “You are a genius!” Words of affirmation can be a bond that helps hold the relationship together.

4. They make love once a week.

Research is very clear on this: couples who make love once a week on average, enjoy a greater satisfaction with the relationship. Interestingly enough, greater frequency than that doesn’t necessarily translate into greater satisfaction. Once a week seems to be the sweet spot.

5. They give each other space.

Yes, the two have become one. But if a couple is so intertwined where it’s difficult to tell where one spouse ends and the other begins, then that’s enmeshment...and that’s not terribly healthy. I remember an interview with Johnny and June Carter-Cash where they were asked, “What’s the secret of your successful marriage?” I believe it was June Carter-Cash who answered, “Separate bathrooms.” “Me” time is as important as “We” time.

6. They are honest with each other.

Transparency, vulnerability...valuable aspects of a happy marriage. No secrets or deception. These can lead to betrayal. When spouses are honest with each other, emotional intimacy is fostered. So is trust. And happy couples trust (and feel safe with) each other.

7. They communicate without distractions.

This is challenging in a day where so many screens vie for our attention. But, these couples put down the devices when they communicate. They get a real sense that they are being heard...and not competing with Pinterest. They also have a good sense of timing when it comes to communication. For example, they will ask, “Is now a good time to talk?” rather than barging into a conversation the other may not be ready to have just yet.

8. They surprise each other.

Nothing kills desire in a marriage like predictability. Remember the aforementioned couch? These couples know how to mix it up. And they surprise each other (in a good way). Whether it’s gifts, dates, dinners, or trips, they can keep each other in a state of anticipation. Also, on a related note, these couples don’t do the same thing over and over again. They try new things together. They make life an adventure...and that kind of life isn’t boring.

9. They believe the best in each other.

I admit, this one stings a little. How often do we assume the worst in our spouse...especially during an argument? But, if we continually believe our spouse has our best interest at heart, we will give him/her the benefit of the doubt...and that can add to our satisfaction as a couple.

10. They do conflict without criticism.

Conflict cannot be avoided...criticism can...and should. Criticism attacks the other’s character. (“You didn’t take the trash out again! Why are you so lazy?”) Criticism has no place in a happy marriage. In fact, Dr’s John and Julie Gottman list criticism as 1 of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in terms of what leads to divorce. (The other 3 are: defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.) They suggest we turn a criticism into a complaint. So, rather than the above “trash” example, a happy couple would say, “When you don’t take out the trash when I ask, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

So, there you go. Easy, right? Not really. You see...these happy couples didn’t start out their marriage this way. It’s a learned behavior. And how do we learn?...by making mistakes. So, if you’re reading this and realize, “Ooh boy...we have a ways to go,” that’s okay. At least you know where you’re going and how to get there.