In the Body of Christ, we are called to rejoice with those who rejoice and suffer with those who are suffering. Rejoicing is easy…suffering is hard. (Sorry about being so obvious.) But, when given the opportunity to suffer with someone, we often blow it. We feel the pressure of having to say something, instead of having something to say. As a result, our “advice” is often nothing more than a platitude, resulting in either confusion, frustration, or more guilt. So, let’s take a look at some of the more common, less helpful things people tend to say to those who are hurting.

1. “Everything Happens For A Reason!"

While this is a nugget of truth from Romans 8:28, it can sound both dismissive and condescending. Dismissive, in that there is little empathy expressed. It leapfrogs sympathetic feelings and cuts to the chase of giving advice. Condescending, in that it assumes the sufferer doesn’t know or believe this obvious truth.When someone entrusts their suffering to us, they are not looking for advice as much as someone to feel their pain. That’s why Paul said, “When one member (of the Body of Christ) shall suffer, all of them shall share the pain” (I Cor 12:26). “Share the pain” is much different than advice, correction, criticism, or scolding.

2. "Suck It Up!"

This would be great if you’re an athlete who’s just skinned his/her knee or gets frustrated during a game, and your coach is yelling these words in your face. This could be motivating in that situation. However, if you’re struggling to put one foot in front of the other because of a difficult life situation, just try and imagine Jesus shouting these words to you! It’s hard to visualize the One who wept at a friend’s funeral telling someone to “suck it up.”

3. "That Very Same Thing Happened To Me (My Uncle, Sister, Etc.)"

News flash: the person in pain isn’t concerned about your uncle, sister, etc. It’s not about you! The less you make it about yourself, the better. The focus is on his/her pain and how God can use you to help share in it.

4. "You Think That's Bad..."

One-upmanship, anyone? Bad idea. This is not a competition. Please refer to my “It’s not about you” comment in #3.

5. "Oh Well, It Could Be Worse"

Yes…yes it could. But this response uses the same logic that your adolescent tries when he/ she says, “Big deal! So, I got a C in Algebra…at least I’m not on drugs!” Do you buy that? I didn’t think so.

6. "Time Heals All Wounds"

Well, it doesn’t heal infections. They only get worse with time. Medication is required. Similarly for suffering, the healing balm of comfort, strength, encouragement, and empathy is needed.

7. “You Shouldn't Feel That Way"

Have you ever been told how you should feel? It’s frustrating isn’t it? “Oh, don’t feel sad!” “Cheer up!” “Be encouraged!” “Turn that frown upside down!” “Don’t worry about it!” Telling someone how to feel is about as effective as telling a cat to go fetch.

8. “Have You Been Praying Enough?"

Oooh…talk about guilt-inducing. This implies the person isn’t where he/she should be spiritually. And, while that might be true (actually, it’s true for all of us), it’s not particularly helpful. Remember, we’re to speak truth in love. Jesus came in grace and truth. All truth and no grace is like Dr. Phil with too much caffeine.

9. “Remember, God Will Not Give You More Than You Can Handle." 

Again, this is biblical truth (much like #1). But is it helpful at this point? Most people who are suffering can’t see 2 feet in front of them, much less a happy ending to their saga. So, while this one is absolutely true…it may not be absolutely helpful just yet.

10. “I'll Pray For You."

No you won’t. You say you will. You fully intend to. But, your car breaks down; the dog gets sick; you forgot to pay your utility bill and now you have to personally take it in; and your mother just called and wants to visit for a month. By this point, you have not only forgotten to pray; you forgot to pick up your daughter from school.Better yet…pray for him/her right then and there. It shows how much you care. Plus, it will be an incredibly meaningful experience for the one who’s suffering.

Conclusion

So…after all this…what do you say? You’ll have to wait for the next posting. Does that upset you? If so, suck it up.

**About the Author: Pastor Tony has an M.S.C. in Community Counseling from the University of Phoenix. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, licensed by the state of Arizona (LAC), a member of the American Counseling Association, and the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. He has received specialized training in Christian sex therapy through the Institute for Sexual Wholeness from Richmont Graduate School in Atlanta.**