Alright…we’ve all heard the song this year.  Ms. Swift is letting us know she’s not about to let other people’s thoughts, talk, or actions adversely affect her attitude and life.  While some folks find the tune merely catchy and the lyrics cute, there are some helpful reminders of our need to not allow the thoughts, talk, or actions of others to do lasting damage to our outlook on the life God has graciously given us. 

This leads me to an observation/question: Have you ever wondered why some people (like Swift) seem to be able to move on from criticism, hurt, or betrayal, while others seem unable to “let it go?” (Sorry…another song just came into my head and I can’t get it out.  I’m looking at you, Disney.)  But, it’s true isn’t it?  Some of us look at those folks and wonder why we can’t have the same success in forgiving and moving on.  What have they learned that we haven’t?

God is very clear He wants us to forgive others…no matter what the offense.  This much we know.  What we don’t know as well is how to genuinely and truly forgive.  It’s understandable we experience this struggle.  I mean, after all, if we forgive, aren’t we “doormats,” “chumps,” “pushovers?”  Won’t that send a signal to our offenders that what they did to us was acceptable and “no big deal?”  Doesn’t that increase the likelihood they’ll do it again?  Besides, we want them to suffer a little because of the hurt they inflicted on us.

But, God isn’t asking us to forgive to let others “off the hook.”  He’s not even asking us to forgive for their benefit…He’s asking us to forgive for our benefit.  One of my favorite quotes is from Anne Lamott.  She says, “Refusing to forgive someone is like drinking rat poison while waiting for the rat to die.”  Ouch.  You see, when we hold on to resentment, grudges, our right to get even, we are only poisoning ourselves.  We continue to suffer.  We allow the hurt to stay alive.  The person who hurt us is quite possibly living his/her life clueless and carefree, while we continue to voluntarily remain in a prison of our own making.  John Ortberg says in response to Lamott’s quote, “As it turns out, I’m the rat after all.”

OK, so the “why” of forgiveness makes some sense.  The question remains as to the “how.”  How could I possibly forgive someone who has hurt me so deeply?  And, how will I know if/when it happens?  It may help to look at what forgiveness isn’t, which may set the bar at a more attainable level.  Let me explain…

1. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting the offense. 

We’ve all heard the scripturally-sounding phrase, “forgive and forget.”  Sounds good.  Sounds true. The problem is that it’s impossible to purposely forget this type of hurt (except in cases of extreme trauma).  Sure, it would be nice to have selective amnesia and completely forget what happened…but we can’t.  And, if we’re equating forgiveness with forgetting, we’ll never think forgiveness is possible.  Every time our memory gets triggered into remembering the offense, we’ll assume we’ve relapsed out of forgiveness and have to start all over again.  Now, you may be thinking: “God forgets our sin…we should too.”  Hmm…to be honest…I have a hard time believing God forgets.  Now, He can choose to remember it no longer.  He can choose to not continue to hold it against us.  (“I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake and remembers your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25)  When God forgives us, our sin is erased…but His memory isn’t.

2. Forgiveness isn’t unconditional. 

This statement might create some heartburn for you.  But, isn’t God’s forgiveness unconditional?  No.  His love is.  Look, we all know  scriptures that lay out the conditions for His forgiveness.  The two “biggies” are confession and repentance.  Confession is an admission of guilt.  It’s agreeing with God we screwed up and we’re sorry.  Repentance is “I’m never doing that again!”  Even Jesus said to the woman accused of adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and leave your life of sin.” (John 8)  When we forgive someone who has hurt us deeply, it’s certainly healthy and appropriate to tell them, “I forgive you, but I’m going to ask you not to do that again.”  Without that condition, we become a “doormat,” inviting the same abuse over and over again.

3. Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. 

Rolaids, anyone?  (For more heartburn in case you didn’t get that reference.)  There are some hurts or disagreements that end relationships…and they should.  Think about some dangerously abusive relationships that you are either in or know of.  Some relationships are not safe to continue.  Forgiving them does not require you continue to expose yourself to danger.  Paul even says in Romans 12, “If it’s possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  The implicit two-fold message is that it’s not always possible, and even if you do all the right things, “peace” may still be elusive.  Even the author of that scripture had a “sharp disagreement” with Barnabas and the two split up, never to minister together again (as far as we know).

4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’ll never experience the pain from the offense again. 

Much like forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, it means you will experience some of the pain from time to time as you are reminded of it or in situations which might trigger some “deja vu.”  This may cause you to worry that you haven’t forgiven after all.  What you want to look for is leftover bitterness, anger, resentment…all bad stuff.    If those are present, your worries are well founded.  However, pain is a typical and normal response, which is our brain’s way of warning us to not “walk this way again.”  Expect the pain’s frequency and intensity to diminish over time.

5. Forgiveness is a process that doesn’t necessarily happen all at once. 

Again, God can grant immediate forgiveness, but we sometimes take longer.  If we rush it, forgiveness may be forced, disingenuous, and incomplete.  If you’ve been deeply hurt by someone, whether it be a betrayal or deception, you need to tend to the hurt first and forgive eventually.  Think of it this way.  Let’s say you were walking down the street and someone stabs you.  What’s your first priority?  You need to get to the hospital to stop the bleeding and start the healing.  But, let’s say the person who injured you has an immediate change of heart and is earnestly seeking your forgiveness on the spot.  “Please, before you get in the ambulance…FORGIVE ME!!!!”  I’m guessing you’d be much more concerned about receiving medical attention…as well you should.  It’s only normal to take care of the injury first before beginning the process of forgiveness.

Finally, I came across this definition of forgiveness which, in my opinion, beautifully describes what it looks like: "To forgive is to make a conscious choice to release the person who has wounded us from the sentence of our judgment, however justified that judgment may be.  It represents a choice to leave behind our resentment and desire for retribution, however fair such punishment might seem; not that the actual wound is ever completely forgotten, but that its power to hold us trapped in continual replay of the event, with all the resentment each remembrance makes fresh, is broken.  Moreover, without in any way mitigating the seriousness of the offense, forgiveness involves excusing persons from the punitive consequences they deserve to suffer for their behavior.  The behavior remains condemned, but the offender is released from its effects as far as the forgiver is concerned (Spring, 2012, p. 250).

I really like that explanation.  (Read it multiple times to get all of those good truths).  Now if only Taylor Swift could work it into a song…Maybe she could call it “Shake It Off and Keep it Off.”